In the Trench - May 2011

In The Trench - May 2011
By Toni Hoy

Unexpected Answers

Sometimes we can't find answers in the places that we expect to find them, while we find answers in places we never looked for them.

A set of sisters were perplexed as to how to respond to their elderly father's inappropriate public behavior as a result of his unstable bipolar disorder. All of their lives, their mother had hidden their father's illness from them so that they could live as normal a childhood as possible. After their mother unexpectedly passed away, their father's behavior caused him to lose housing and friends. Their mother's passing revealed a side of their father that the sisters had not seen before. Being unfamiliar with bipolar disorder, they were charting new territory as to how to care for him.

Taking a Family to Family class yielded some answers for them. The sisters wanted to help him control his behavior so things would go smoother. They were also dealing with a lot of frustration in communicating with him.

One of the things they learned came from parents of adult children in their twenties. Other parents shared with the sisters that they could love and support their loved one, but they were not responsible for his actions and choices, allowing him to take responsibility for the natural consequences. The pressure lessened for the sisters as they passed responsibility for their father's choices back over to him. They stopped trying to "fix it."

Another thing they learned came from parents of younger children, who taught them about maintaining the "attitude." Playful, accepting, curious, empathetic, and nurturing. They found that responding to his anger with curiousness and empathy was a useful tool. It took their father off the defense and the women became better listeners and communicators, which eased their frustration a bit more.

These siblings looked for coping strategies as they related to elderly mentally ill persons. While researching a few ideas from younger generations, they stumbled upon a few things that worked. Thinking outside the box offered some helpful results.