For Better or Worse, in Sickness and in
Mental Health
Standing at the altar, repeating
vows, couples make forever commitments to
each other not knowing what challenges lurk in the future.
Discovering that a
spouse has mental illness tests and sometimes breaks the tie
that binds.
Spouses of people with mental
illness share common types of loss. At the
forefront of their grief is loss of their marital partner
and best friend. There is
heartbreak over missing the personality of the person they
fell in love with.
Loneliness prevails as they miss their daily physical
presence, especially if it
means visiting them in the hospital or jail. They are
married but don’t always feel
married. Older spouses outwardly appreciate the social
status of being married,
while behind closed doors they are applying coping
strategies to get through the
day.
Worry looms over the loved one’s
prognosis and future. Questions surface about
how the illness affects finances, housing, and other major
life decisions, including the decision to remain in the
marriage.
For those who commit to staying the
course, how do they survive it? Spouses
report that they take comfort in understanding, acceptance,
and emotional
support from family and friends. In times of weakness and
doubt, they find
encouragement in uplifting words from others. Families
appreciate offers of
practical help so that they can get out and spend time on
other enjoyable
activities separate from dealing with the illness. Some
spouses branch out and
pursue their dreams without their spouse. Still others find
attending therapy or
making a deeper investment to their faith provides the
support they need.
Spouses wishing to remain in the
marriage report that they feel stigmatized when others
encourage them to leave the relationship, comparing it to a
physical
illness such as cancer, and not wanting to give up.
Others must confront that they
cannot keep themselves safe or carry on any
sense of normalcy within their family while remaining true
to the marriage,
desiring support for their decision to leave their vows.
Support and
encouragement from their closest relationships help carry
them to the next stage
in life.
As a spouse becomes mentally ill,
the definition of love changes. For better or
worse, in sickness and health, yes, even mental health.
