It was Christmas, 2008. As my husband, children, and I passed heaping dishes of

delicious food around the table, we laughed and shared stories as we did every

Christmas. Afterwards, we passed out packages and ooh’d and ah’d over every gift. I

was enjoying being with my family so much that I almost forgot that we were sitting

around a conference room table in a mental health residential center.

 

While the onset of the holiday season brings most families a sense of merriment; for us,

the anticipation of dealing with our son’s mental illnesses often overshadows some of

the joy. Our families are large, so holiday gatherings are historically bustling and loud.

Before our son was admitted to a residential facility, we worried about our son’s probable

trauma response to the noise. My husband and I worked together to develop strategies

that would ease the stress for all of us. We arrived at parties late and left early. We took

turns standing vigil over our son, continually monitoring his emotional tank. When his

angst rose, we sought respite from the noise by moving him to a quiet area. He and I

spent a lot of time in the basement playing with the little ones. When certain family

members drank too much, they hovered over our son and made him anxious. My

husband and I spoke to them prior to the onset of the party, asking them politely to give

our son some space to help him cope. Thankfully, they complied. Sometimes one of

us remained home with our son. Sometimes we skipped the party all together. Extended

family eventually learned that we had to make modifications in order to participate in the

festivities and accepted us as we were.

 

We scaled back. We pulled out a few treasured holiday decorations to display and left

the rest in boxes. I learned to enjoy “windows shopping,” making holiday purchases

online, and having them shipped directly to our home. As a family, we kept meals

simple, adding only a few delectable treats.

 

Every year, we re-evaluate our approach to the holiday season. Some years our son has

been well enough to come home and we’ve scaled back celebrations for his sake. Other

years, upon professional’s advice, we selected an alternate day to celebrate with him,

relieved ourselves from the guilt, and focused on the rest of the family. And sometimes,

we had Christmas in the conference room. If we were lucky, it felt a little like home